Happy Birthday Pops. 



The last pic I took of my dad is one I'll never share. It comes up every so often when I'm searching for an image or on my screensaver and stops me in my tracks. Not because it makes me sad but because it is so surreal. Lying peacefully under a dark blanket, empty flower stands, an empty couch, empty chairs… on a gurney next to a pink curtain. The whole room felt pink. How is that possible? That's not him, just his shape and barely that after the previous six months. The next pic is that same room but packed, full of his friends and family… everyone is smiling! It's truly incredible. So much love. I prefer to remember him from all the happier moments, like the one above from Thanksgiving. We were all together in Florida for Mom and Dad's 50th... goofin' for the camera, laughing and enjoying the sunshine. He loved the sun.

I have vivid memories of childhood and then some - from every ski trip to Crystal and Boyne to summer vacations along the shores of Michigan. The time my brother got a new skateboard and I inherited his old wood one. Dad and I in the garage painting it red white and blue. He loved the Stars and Stripes. He loved his boats too - from l'il Joe to Fido Dido and everything in-between - and all the amazing fish that came from those boats! Fried up in the cast iron skillet on the grill with those thinly sliced potatoes. I can still taste it. His vette! The MG's. The time he brought home that gold pinto mustang and I refused to drive it, “Dad, that's not a Mustang". What a brat. Every Saturday afternoon spent at HoJo’s - some sport or another on the TV, a bowl of fried clams, a Shirley Temple and Dad. He was the first one to make you laugh and the first to fall asleep, no matter where he was. There’s a pic somewhere which I can’t find right now - a lounge chair with a “reserved for Jay” sign on it - I think he was sound asleep already. He didn’t care, when he wanted to nap he napped!





Dad loved Michigan State and I always knew how they fared in any game they played. If they won, the phone rang soon after the win. If they didn’t, I’d find out Sunday morning. I miss my Sunday morning phone calls more then anything. Today is a big day for MSU, I know he’s gathered around a TV with his friends, drinking MGD (or maybe Heineken, it is a big game!) and cheering on Izzo. There’s butter pecan ice cream, homemade chocolate chip cookies and milk on the table for ya… Happy Birthday Dad… I’ll listen to your voicemail after MSU wins today. Go Green!

Missing.



There was a lot of discussion around the word Saudade over the last few weeks. Wikipedia describes it as, "...a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing may never return."

It can pretty much sum up how I have felt since the day I departed Brasil. Leaving behind friends and adventures that don't happen in daily life. I think all travelers feel this way but we, as a group, were together from sunup to sundown – photographing, editing, talking, laughing and experiencing life together so intimately, that when it's over this utter heaviness prevails. My sleep patterns are still a mess, I wake in a place that I don't recognize yet I've lived here for 10 years. There's also this sense that the last month didn't happen. It's blurry. I can remember moments but it's a fog of time. I've spent the last two days looking over, under and through all of my images from Brasil. From this trip, to my first in 2011 trying to hold onto the memories. I almost lost all of my work from this workshop, a stupid shelf and misguided belief that a shelf on a wall could hold a laptop for a minute... I just needed to get up.

The night before a woman read my Tarot Cards. We sat in a dark hall behind our closed hotel lobby door, with almost no light she read things to me that were so spot on. I don't know what I believe of Tarot, but the conversation and thoughts were enough to make me second guess that. What are the rules of Tarot, can I share this? Does it matter? The one that sticks with me most was choice. There was a card that read that I was at a crossroads, that it's up to me to choose a path - that no matter who is hurt or helped - I have to decide. That sometimes it's easier to not have a choice, for fate to prevail, but that was not an option for me. Choice.

So it was fate that my laptop fell, thankfully I didn't lose all of my images. That certainly wasn't my choice. It has been a lot of work going through files that are half corrupt, looking for any that are important at the moment, I know in the future I will miss others I'm overlooking now. So far just one from my final edit is missing - the image above. I have a small jpeg but the raw file is gone. It is from a day of driving and getting lost, filled with cerveja and sunshine. It was a Sunday. It was hot and everything was moving pretty slow. I wandered behind a woman's house and saw the tail of the cat hiding from the sun under the remains of a couch. Almost perfect. I took a few shots and wandered off. "It just needs a dog" says Romain. I laughed but when I found one I chased it to the front of the yard, kind of in jest but when I see the with and without, happy for the suggestion. Team work. ha! i'm surprised the dog didn't snap at me, but he was probably confused at this crazy woman with a camera speaking Spanortuguesish that he went along with it. Maybe there'd be a treat.

In Brazil, the day of Saudade is officially celebrated on January 30th. In NYC, it spans this entire week. I think it will be good to get back to a schedule soon. I don't want to lose this feeling but I can't live with this feeling forever.